Lining Up My Lessons

So this past week was not my best, not by far. I started the week off completely normal. I was still on a high from spending the weekend with two of my best friends, Greg and I were just getting back from a great workout at the gym, it was six A.M. and I was getting a phone call that I just did not want. A year and two weeks after losing my grandad, I was just hearing that I was losing my Nanna too. And with her she took some of my love and little of my regret. My Nanna battled alzheimer's for about 8 years. Watching her change during those years was so hard. But what was harder for me was watching my grandad try to take care of her and watch my mom and my aunts get to know a different mom from the one that had raised them. After 63 years of marriage my grandparents could barely be separated my death and my grandad came to bring her home.

So this week I have not been myself. When I presented a reading at my grandad's funeral last year, I nearly fell apart as I read. I swore at my Nanna's funeral I was not going to do that. I almost didn't make it. But I took a deep breath and I got through it. At the end I looked up and I saw my mom and my heart was broken at that point. It was way past time for my Nanna to leave us because suffering had become her middle name. But I compare my mom's loss of her mom, to my loss right now. My mom is so close to me. I need her, I love her and I call on her so often. To lose that right now would be more than I can bare.

My Nanna was my last living grandparent. My dad's parents passed away when I was very young, although I do remember them. But my mom's parents were part of my life for almost 28 years. We spent holidays together, they knew what I was doing in school and they told me stories. I was blessed to have them as long as I did. But losing them I am not so sure I have handled well. Over the this week I have started to learn a few things about myself that I did not realize before. I tend to cope with things and not feel them and let them heal. I like that I feel happy most of the time, but I do not like that I hold on to things and they tend to come out at the worst time and all together wrong. I am learning that I have to let some things go and to handle my feelings in better ways. Over compensation is not the key.

I am also learning that I have entered a new phase of my life. I am a wife now, not a girlfriend. My girlfriends and I are changing and we are finding ourselves supporting each other through new situations as we learn to get through them together. And I have learned that I can not do everything on my own. My husband is my partner, my friends love me and support me. I will always remember my grandparents, and I will feel better in time. And this time I am going to be sad, I am going recognize that my wonderful life is going through changes and that beside me is a wonderful man, life long friends and a family that I love with all of my heart.