Kaleidoscope

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Hee, Hee, whewwwww

Greg and I have successfully completed the birthing class, or the right of passage better known as "Get Ready To Get Scared Out Of Your Mind". If you are interested, the first thing I learned is that ten centimeters is soooooo much larger than I thought. Our name tags were ten centimeters around and our instructor told us that you can not even begin pushing until you reach that size. I wanted to raise my hand and ask if I was really going to become that size. I mean, seriously, that whole dilating deal would have been very helpful during my first experience with intercourse... Well, let me take that back. I think any change in size in that area is just painful no matter what. Sometimes it sucks to be a woman.

Breathing- This is incredibly important and so is distraction. I am hoping that I can have a circus in my delivery room or a famous comedian. If I have to lay back and think about the watermelon that I am trying to pass I might not make it.

Birthing Coach- Dads, friends, moms, whoever these are- you must be the best and here is your job description; Must love babies, have strong hands for massaging, soft bones in your fingers so that when mom squeezes, your bones do not break, ability to breath "hee, hee, whewww" without passing out, no aversion to blood, crying, moaning, cursing or the placenta. Quick with the ice chips, no sign of a camera until mom is fully rested and has applied make-up. Door Bouncer is a must! Keep all visitors out while mom is doing the additional labor intensive job of learning to breastfeed if that is what she elects to do. Do not, under any circumstances tell her to relax. You might end up with a black eye.

Natural childbirth- Complete and total crap. I won't even go there and I won't even try it. I bow and applaud every woman, such as my own mother who delivered without a cocktail or some form of pain management. I, however want nothing to do with it and I am not ashamed to admit it. I do not like pain, try not to put myself through it so I will be asking for narcotics or whatever they will offer me when I begin passing a watermelon through a hole the size of a lemon.

C-Sections- Every bit as scary as vaginal births. Why can't they just knock us all out when we deliver babies??? That would be so nice.

30 Hour labors- If I have one, someone will pay and pay dearly.

Birthing Ball- Gift from heaven, right after that happy hour you can have when you get to the hospital.

Self inducing labor- Good luck! Walk a lot and have lots of sex the last few weeks.

Swelling- It never stops.... My hands and feet have gone from 4 times there normal size to 10 times their normal size... I need some new shoes and I can no longer make a fist. But, hey it is not my face that has swelled this much so I should not complain.

Reward for all of these things- A beautiful, healthy baby. I am ready to meet mine

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